Psychological safety with your partner

We seem to be living in a time where new phrases and terms are introduced almost daily, one term that you may be hearing more and more is psychological safety in the workplace. Amy Edmondson, a Harvard University professor first identified the concept of psychological safety in work place teams in 1999. Since then, she has observed how companies with a trusting workplace perform better. Psychological safety isn’t about being nice; it is about giving supportive feedback, admitting mistakes and learning from each other. It is about creating a culture that supports people to share their opinions and concerns without fear of a negative experience.

I have been thinking about this concept of psychological safety with regards to relationships. The concept of being able to share your ideas, raise your concerns or talk about difficult issues with your partner without fear of rejection or ridicule.

Let’s think about the workplace, I am sure most of us have experienced meetings where no one voiced their opinions, there was not much discussion, and people simply went along with what their manager said, even if they had concerns with what was being suggested, this isn’t psychological safety. A team that practices psychological safety is a team that can challenge each other, share ideas and discuss issues, without fear of being ridiculed, laughed at or disciplined.

Couples are also a team, they live together, managing a house, finances, children and other responsibilities together, and this is a team effort. So can we apply these principles from the workplace to our home life and can they strengthen our relationship?

In the workplace we put aside time for team development, team meetings, and team socials, we know that we need time together in order to function well. We spend time understanding each other, learning about the team’s strengths and how to achieve success. We let each other know that we listen to each other, we encourage idea sharing and let each other know that if there is a problem we can support each other. So, do we put this much effort in to our relationship with our spouse/partner? How do we make sure our partners feel safe;

Safe to express themselves fully and authentically
Safe to share dissatisfaction about something their partner did
Safe to share sexual desires, displeasure, and fantasies
Safe to share their personal insecurities, worries and fears
Safe to have a conversation without it escalating to an argument

Can we apply what works in the workplace to our relationship? There are some key principles to address  

Listen, really listen, give your partner your full attention and engage in the conversation, even if the topic may not interest you. This demonstrates to your partner your willingness to engage. Good leaders and managers engage with their employees, can you think of a manager you have had that really listen to you and engaged with you, how did that make you feel? Strive to be that person in your relationship.

Encourage respectful disagreements, like the workplace you won’t always agree with your partner, that is ok, approach it productively, aiming to understand different opinions rather than dismissing them.

Consider both opinions before dismissing your partners, encourage your partner to share their concerns with you.

Own up to your mistakes, we all get things wrong sometimes, and that’s OK! But when you do mess up, you need to come clean. Often leaders will lead by example, talking about their mistakes and encouraging others to do the same makes owning up to your mistakes less scary. You can do this in your relationship as well. Applying this principle to your relationship can also make talking about mistakes less scary and feel safe.

Shut down negativity, nothing kills trust like disrespect and negativity in the workplace, some of us may have experienced what this feels like, to go to work and experience a negative environment. The same applies to your relationship; you can express concerns or worries without blame and disrespect.

Playfulness, can you remember a time in the workplace when you laughed and really enjoyed yourself? Can you think of a meeting that was fun, your boss being funny or a funny situation? These situations help us bond in the workplace, they allow us to let our guard down. This applies to our relationship as well. Creating fun and being playful foster those bonds and allow us to be comfortable with each other; it gives us something to laugh at together.

I’m not suggesting we all go home and scheduled weekly one to ones with our partner and set an agenda, I’m suggesting that we make as much effort and give as much thought to the relationship we have with our partner as we do our colleagues. We make an effort to be approachable, demonstrate empathy, actively listen and ensure our colleagues feel safe and comfortable at work. We can apply those skills we have in the workplace to our relationship to foster a safe place at home.

Ellie - EWG counsellor