Understanding Loneliness: What It Is, Why We Feel It, and How to Embrace Being Alone.
When discussing mental health, we often focus on visible symptoms like anxiety, depression, and stress, but another quiet emotion frequently lingers in the background: loneliness. For many, loneliness isn't just about being physically alone; it can be a deep sense of isolation that persists even in the midst of social interaction….Introduction: The Silent Companion of Mental Health Struggles
When discussing mental health, we often focus on visible symptoms like anxiety, depression, and stress, but another quiet emotion frequently lingers in the background: loneliness. For many, loneliness isn't just about being physically alone; it can be a deep sense of isolation that persists even in the midst of social interaction.
According to Perlman and Peplau, “loneliness is a subjective and uncomfortable feeling of lack or loss of companionship, and it can be felt when there is a mismatch between the quantity and the quality of desired vs. actual social connections.” While its perception is often linked to the broader community we’re surrounded by, I’ve encountered in my work as a counsellor another kind of loneliness—one where the individual is disconnected from themselves.
Why Loneliness Arises: The Disconnection from Self
Have you ever been in a crowded room, surrounded by friends who seem to be enjoying themselves, yet felt inexplicably lonely? This type of loneliness often stems from a disconnection between our true selves and the roles we feel compelled to play. In a world that values social interaction and equates frequent socializing with happiness, we might find ourselves attending events or engaging in activities that don’t truly fulfil us—simply because we believe we should.
When social interactions are driven by external expectations rather than our own desires, we may feel profoundly lonely despite being surrounded by others. This is because we’re not fully present; we’re merely going through the motions to please others or conform to societal norms. Over time, this disconnects between our actions and our true wants can lead to a deeper loneliness—a loneliness about the absence of a connection with ourselves.
The Loneliness of Self-Neglect in Caregiving Roles
This disconnection can be even more acute for those who prioritize the needs of others over their own. Carers, partners, and individuals in nurturing roles often sacrifice their own well-being to attend to the needs of others—whether it's children, elderly parents, or loved ones. The thought of taking time for self-care or personal enjoyment can seem impossible, or even selfish.
For these individuals, loneliness arises not from physical isolation but from the gradual abandonment of their own needs and desires. This relentless focus on others can lead to a loss of identity, where their sense of self becomes entwined with their caregiving role. This self-neglect not only depletes emotional and physical energy but also deepens the sense of loneliness, as the individual becomes increasingly disconnected from who they truly are.
Moreover, the pressure to maintain this role can prevent them from expressing their feelings of isolation, fearing that admitting to such emotions might be seen as a failure. As a result, they continue to give and support, often at the cost of their own mental health, feeling increasingly isolated.
How to Reconnect with Yourself: Practical Tips
Reconnecting with yourself is essential for overcoming loneliness. Here are practical tips to help you rebuild that vital connection:Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness involves being present in the moment without judgment. Through meditation, deep breathing, or simply paying attention to your thoughts and feelings, mindfulness helps you tune into your inner self and understand your true needs. Reflect on “Who am I doing this for and can there be space for me too?”
Engage in Self-Reflection:
Set aside time to reflect on your daily experiences and emotions. Journaling can help you gain clarity on what truly matters to you and identify patterns in your behaviour contributing to loneliness. Consider why you might be neglecting your needs and how it affects you.
Rediscover Your Passions:
Revisit activities or hobbies you once enjoyed but may have set aside. Rekindling these passions can help reconnect with parts of yourself that have been neglected. If guilt arises, start by engaging in the activity for just 5 minutes a day.
Set Boundaries:
Learn to say no to commitments that don’t align with your true desires. Setting boundaries is crucial for balancing your needs with the expectations of others. Start small: what is the smallest "no" that feels slightly uncomfortable but necessary?
Spend Time Alone:
Embrace solitude as an opportunity to recharge and reflect. Use this time to engage in activities you love, without the influence of others' expectations. Often, if we give ourselves the chance to, our mind can be blank, we will not even know where to start. Allow yourself to experience boredom if it arises, wait, and see if it leads to new insights about what you enjoy.
Listen to Your Inner Voice:
Often, we suppress our inner voice in favour of external validation. Start listening to what your intuition tells you about your needs and desires. Trusting and acting on this inner guidance can lead to a more authentic life. You might want to ask yourself: “if I would not upset anyone, what is it that I would truly love to do now?”
Practice Self-Compassion:
Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your struggles without harsh self-criticism and give yourself permission to engage in self-care and self-discovery.
Create a Personal Ritual:
Establish a daily or weekly ritual that is just for you. Whether it’s a morning walk, a quiet cup of tea, or an evening of reading, this ritual can be a sacred time to reconnect with yourself and reflect on your needs. Rituals are personal, so if you really want to just take some time doing nothing, know that you can.
Conclusion:
Transforming Loneliness into Solitude
Loneliness is a natural part of the human experience, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent state. By understanding its causes and taking proactive steps to address it, we can transform loneliness into a more positive experience of solitude. Embracing solitude allows us to recharge, reflect, and connect with our inner selves, ultimately leading to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with who we truly are. Remember, no matter what the circumstances are, you still have YOU, and if you struggle, please look out for professional help—there might be affordable options available to you.
Article by: Virginia Messina, Group and Live Chat Counsellor