Trauma Bond: From the Victim’s Perspective
Have you ever been in a relationship that feels unhealthy, yet instead of walking away, you find yourself taking the blame and trying to fix things?
Thoughts like, “It’s my fault, I need to do better,” or “I need to change, or my partner’s well-being will get worse,” or “My partner is not well, and I am the only person they have, so I need to do something about it—I cannot leave,” keep festering in your mind. You feel like you are solely responsible for making the relationship work.Deep down, you believe you have a greater emotional capacity than your partner, allowing you to handle things better. As a result, you take on the burden of your partner’s well-being, neglecting your own, and carry the weight of the entire relationship on your shoulders, ready to bear it for both of you.I recently worked with a client who sought help to manage negative thoughts about his partner. She constantly spoke to him in a demeaning way, yet he believed it was his duty to endure it. He thought he was the only person who could take care of her, nurturing her despite the emotional harm he suffered. He believed he was the problem. This is a classic example of a trauma bond.If any of these words resonate with you, let me explain what a trauma bond is, the dynamics that come into play in such relationships, and most importantly, how you can seek help and free yourself from it.
What is a Trauma Bond?
Trauma bonds are powerful emotional attachments formed in relationships where there is a cycle of abuse—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—followed by reconciliation or moments of affection. These relationships are confusing and draining, as they mix periods of love or tenderness with pain and degradation. Over time, this creates a dynamic where the abused person feels trapped, unable to leave because of the emotional highs and lows that reinforce the bond.In the case of my client, despite his partner’s constant verbal attacks, he stayed because he believed she needed him, and he saw himself as her caregiver. This is common in trauma bonds: the person on the receiving end of the abuse often internalizes a belief that their worth is tied to the role they play in the abuser’s life. This sense of responsibility, often one-sided, makes it harder to recognize that they are being mistreated, as they become convinced, they are "saving" their partner, or that no one else can understand or help them.
Why Do Trauma Bonds Form?
At the heart of trauma bonds lies manipulation. The abuser often uses love-bombing, promises of change, or small acts of kindness to keep their partner emotionally tethered. These positive moments, no matter how brief, give the abused person hope that the relationship can improve. Coupled with this, the fear of abandonment or of being alone can trap a person in the cycle. They may also suffer from low self-esteem or have unresolved personal traumas that make them more vulnerable to this type of bond.In some cases, childhood experiences of neglect or abuse set the stage for trauma bonding in adulthood. If that resonates with you, have you ever witnessed these dynamics in your family? Was there someone who drank too much, or whose health issues affected the family climate? Was there a person who was more aggressive, whether physically or verbally, and another who seemed more submissive and complacent? Did you ever feel responsible for one of your parents’ well-being?
When someone grows up learning to equate love with pain, sacrifice, or unconditional care, they may not easily recognize a dysfunctional relationship when they’re in one.Why Do People Stay in Trauma Bonds?
Staying in a trauma bond isn’t about weakness—it’s about survival mechanisms that have been twisted by manipulation. The abusive partner often uses control, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to reinforce the belief that leaving isn’t an option. Over time, the person being abused may feel they deserve the mistreatment or that they can’t do any better. The constant cycle of emotional highs and lows creates an addictive pattern, where even brief moments of affection make the abuse seem bearable.Moreover, societal pressures and beliefs about relationships—such as the idea that "love conquers all" or "relationships take work"—can further trap someone in an abusive dynamic. Subtly, the victim may also have their own reasons for staying: a sense of usefulness or importance if they can make the relationship work. Thoughts like, “My love can change them,” or “They need me because they have no one else,” give the victim a sense of false empowerment. This offers the chance to change what they may not have been able to change in the past. The internal belief of, “If I can change them, then I am enough,” often plays a subtle but significant role in the decision to stay.For these reasons, many people feel shame about leaving or fear judgment from others, making it even harder to reach out for help.Have you ever considered that your partner’s behaviour may have nothing to do with your worth at all?
Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds
The first step in breaking free from a trauma bond is Recognition:
Once you acknowledge that your relationship is undermining your well-being and that the love you are experiencing is unhealthy, you can start taking steps toward healing. Seeking therapy or counselling is incredibly beneficial in this process, as it allows you to unpack the emotional manipulation and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
Building a support network is also critical:
Friends, family, or support groups can provide much-needed perspective and validation. It’s common to feel isolated in trauma bonds, so reaching out to others helps counteract the sense of being alone in your experience.
Lastly, setting boundaries and creating distance from the abuser:
whether emotionally, physically, or both—is essential for healing. This can be difficult, as the abuser may try to pull you back with apologies, promises of change, or manipulation, or you might feel guilty because, to take care of yourself, you may need to bend the truth. However, staying firm in your decision to leave and focusing on your well-being is the only way to fully break free from the unhealthy cycle.In Conclusion, healing from a trauma bond is a gradual process but know that healing is possible. It starts with a tiny but fundamental act of self-love: acknowledging that you are just as important and as deserving of love, attention, care, and nurturing as anyone else.
Article by: Virginia Messina, Group and Live Chat Counsellor