Parent, child, adult - Couple communication tools

The last few months have impacted people in different ways, furlough and working from home has seen households confined together for long periods. The winter weather has reduced the amount of time we want to spend outside, there is only so much decorating and baking you can do.

Frustrations and tensions can lead to breakdowns in communication. Before you really know what happened you are in the middle of an argument with your partner and sometimes you are not really sure why or how it even happened. Or you keep having the same argument and saying the same things but nothing really changes.

Being aware of how we talk and listen to each other is important to understanding why things escalate and how it can be prevented in the future.

One tool I like to use when looking at communication is Transactional Analysis. Developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s, Transactional Analysis is a psychoanalytic theory and method of therapy that analyses social transactions. This may sound complicated but actually when you break the model down it can be something you can use to review your own interactions with your partner.

The basic theory of Transactional Analysis is that we have three internal states or sometimes referred to as ego-states of our personality. These are the Parent, Child and Adult, for those of you that are familiar with Sigmund Freud, the term ego states may ring a bell. Freud defined these ego states as the id, ego and superego; Transactional Analysis defines them as Parent, Child and Adult.

Eric Berne hypothesised that when you are communicating or having transactions with people, you are using one of these ego states, either parent, adult of child. He outlines this is his book, The Games People Play, some if his examples may seem a little dated now, but the book provides wonderful insight. The basic theory is below:

The Parent

The parent ego state is behaviour learnt from our own parental figures and this can be either critical or nurturing. A critical parent might say something like, ‘You never make dinner, you leave everything to me, you are useless and I am sick of it’. Whereas a nurturing parent might say, ‘don’t worry I know you can’t cook, I will make dinner when I get home.’

The Child

The child ego state replays feelings experienced in childhood. It can be expressed as either adapted (shaped by childhood experience) or free. An adapted child might say, ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t cook, it always goes wrong, I’m always messing up.’ Whereas the free child might something like, ‘Boring, let’s get a takeaway.’

The child can be a source of fun and imagination, but is also impulsive and emotional, carrying all the feelings of love, hate, sadness, anger, and many more emotions.

The Adult

The adult ego state is the state that we want to aim to communicate in for the majority of the time. It is rational and non-confrontational and avoids judgement or criticism. The adult might say, ‘I know you are working late tomorrow, if you don’t have time to sort dinner, I will. ’

A way to deescalate a potential arguments is to consciously think about which ego state you are communicating in, responding in your adult ego state is rational and non-confrontational.

An example of a desired conversation might be:

Partner 1: ‘When you have some time, please could you help me with some chores over the weekend, it’s been a busy week.’

Partner 2: ‘Yeah it has been really busy, lets chat about them over a takeaway, so we don’t miss anything.’

Partner 1: ‘That would be great’.

This conversation might not come naturally at first and might seem forced, but by being considerate, aiming to have adult-to-adult interactions the couple are able to stay connected, there was no blame, just both partners acknowledging the busy week.

Taking the time to think before we speak and asking ourselves are we in our adult ego state before we start a difficult or emotional conversation may prevent the conversation escalating in to an argument. However if the conversation has already escalated, taking a breath before you respond to your partner, checking you are in your adult ego state and responding in a rational and non-confrontational way that avoids judgement or criticism can also deescalate an argument.

Ellie - EWG Counsellor