The Relationship You Have With Yourself
The relationship that you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. - Robert Holden
How often do we ask ourselves if we actually like the person we have become?
It is so important that we evaluate the relationship that we have with ourselves because after all if we do not like ourselves how can we believe that others like us?
When we focus on who we are and what we enjoy, we enter into a deeper part of this practice known as self-care. This is not to be viewed as a selfish activity but rather to be seen as an act of kindness to oneself.
Self-care can look very different for different people. For some it may be having some time set aside to be able to recharge their personal batteries and for others it may be sweating it out in the gym or going for a long nature walk, and a whole host of other activities in between. Whatever the self-care choice is, the fact remains that this practice is one of the many tools available to look after your mental well being.
The act of Self-care can hopefully, with time and practice, become part of our everyday life and then recognised as a positive habit forming activity. Just like when we have close relationships with others, we value putting in time and compassion to strengthen those relationships and to make that other person feel good, it is important that we show ourselves that same level of care and compassion. Sometime when we start to focus inwards there may be some different and challenging opinions from those around us, who may question why our behaviour may have changed, they may question the actions of self-care being taken and wonder what this action means for them. Does it mean they won’t get as much attention? Does it mean that they won’t be needed any more or may not get the same care from you as they used to? At this point it is helpful for us to be mindful of the feelings that positive change can evoke in others but not be swayed by their opinion. However one positive way of thinking about this is that the more we look after ourselves, the more able we are to look after others and so our practice of self care is just as important to those around us as it is to our personal well being.
So a very good question is, what is actually involved in self-care? What area of our lives does it cover? This can be broken down into four parts.
The emotional self
The physical self
The psychological self
The spiritual self
These four areas require observation and work sometimes with the help of a trained counsellor to maintain a sense of balance in our lives. The application of self-care to each area helps to ensure this sense of equilibrium. We may have to look for small ways to incorporate self-care activities into our daily routine, an example could be to get up 15 minutes earlier to allow for a quiet cup of coffee and to gather thoughts before the day starts. For some people it might be making space after work to switch off from the work day and to prepare for home and family life.
There are some points to be mindful of when engaging in self-care.
Remember to always be kind to yourself.
Take small steps, do not overwhelm yourself.
Be mindful as to why you are practicing self-care and then make a commitment to yourself to follow this through.
Determine your stress levels and what part of yourself they are in.
Identify your stressors, what actually is causing the stress in your life?
Remember and record down how you usually cope with stress, this can help with building a toolbox of skills to draw from in the future.
Research new positive coping mechanisms and add them to your working plan.
Evaluate this plan regularly, make necessary changes to ideas that are not as beneficial as you thought.
On the final note the concept of self-care is an on-going practice. Many can begin with good intentions and after a period of time cease the practice, this is evident in the therapy room when a client can explain that they have started an element of self-care practice and have stopped either because it hasn’t had instance results, or because they are feeling good and feel they don’t need it anymore. The therapist begins to gently remind the client of the efficacy of their previous work around self-care. Self care is one of the main tools to build our resilience and maintain our sense of self and it is important to do this regularly, to keep doing it even when you feel good, and to especially do it when you feel so low there is no motivation or even joy in doing the activity. One of the only ways to get that joy back is by rebuilding that resilience and sense of self.
By Jo Oxford MBACP